


To the depths

by yvelle



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, M/M, Misunderstandings, i had an existential crisis while writing this and you Can tell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28370706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yvelle/pseuds/yvelle
Summary: “You need to talk to him about this.”“Then you will remain right after all,” Donghyuck laughed humorlessly, “I will really break his heart.”or: the fear of being emotionally vulnerable and trusting someone with your heart
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 4
Kudos: 98





	To the depths

**Author's Note:**

> I’m no lover at all. It shakes me only from the outside, perhaps because no one has ever really shaken me to the depths. - Rainer Maria Rilke, selected letters

On a rainy Friday afternoon, Donghyuck entered the apartment he shared with two other college students and dropped a red umbrella on the kitchen table. He cursed the weather, not even bothering to explain where said umbrella came from until he met the incredulous gazes of his roommates.

“It’s Mark’s.”

Jaehyun glanced at Johnny but after meeting a face as blank as his own, he asked “Who?”

“My new boyfriend.” Donghyuck drawled, shaking his wet hair out.

Johnny dropped the pot he was cleaning.

“You’re seeing someone again?” he exclaimed visibly shocked.

“I’ve never heard you mention him before,” Jaehyun frowned.

“He asked me out earlier. And gave me an umbrella. But only after I already got my hair ruined,” Donghyuck grumbled.

“So how do you know this guy? And how did he melt your ice-cold heart?” Johnny abandoned the dished to focus his full attention on Donghyuck.

“He didn’t,” Donghyuck shrugged, “every day I thank god, jesus, and the holy spirit that I don’t have a heart.”

“You were crying over Pride and Prejudice yesterday. The movie isn’t even that good. And getting this emotional over straight people, really?” Jaehyun raised a brow, unimpressed, “Also you don’t believe in god.”

“Pride and Prejudice is a classic!” Johnny protested at the same time as Donghyuck declared, “Fuck the church!”

Rolling his eyes, Jaehyun opened the fridge, “You might think the whole I’m-so-above-you-mere-humans-I-don’t-feel-anything act is funny, but it will come around to bite you eventually.” He frowned at the display before him, “I swear if you drank all the chocolate milk again, Donghyuck…”

“Johnny hyung!” Donghyuck whined, “Jaehyun hyung is threatening me.”

“No threatening the baby,” Johnny said seriously, wrapping an arm around Donghyuck and positing himself in front of him as if to shield him.

“This is why you’re my favorite,” Donghyuck preened, patting Johnny’s cheek.

“Jaehyun has a point though. You can’t pretend to be heartless for the rest of your life, you will have to let someone in. And,” Johnny’s face grew serious, “you’re going to break that poor guy’s heart.”

“When do I not?”, Donghyuck laughed, “Don’t worry too much about it, he barely knows me. We share like one class.”

“Still. He wouldn’t have asked you out if he didn’t like you. You do know that you can just say no if you don’t feel the same way, do you?”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. It was the same conversation they had every time. “Yes, I do, _dad._ But what’s the harm in giving it a shot? If anything, you should be proud I’m so willing to try and fall in love.”

“But you aren’t trying,” Jaehyun now also added, “You say yes because you feel bad, you go on a few dates and realize that you’re just not as emotionally invested as the boyfriend of the month, you distance yourself until he takes the hint, you break up.” He counted on his fingers.

“That’s not fair,” Donghyuck pouted. “I broke up with the last one.”

And, despite what he wanted his roommates to believe, he had felt incredibly horrible about it.

Jungmo had been so willing to ignore all of Donghyuck’s flaws, so patient when Donghyuck had tried the exam excuse and even talked about how good he thought Donghyuck looked all the time; which was, like, amazing for his self-esteem.

So why did he break up with the oh so hot, charming med student that never complained about his difficulties with responding to texts on time?

Well, to put it plainly, it stopped being fun. While an extra source of attention and compliments may do wonders for his self-confidence, the guilt that was weighing him down every single day that he pretended to care as much about Jungmo as he seemingly did about Donghyuck, left him unable to sleep at night.

“It’s not like we’re getting married. He’s looking for someone to have a fun time with and I can provide that for a while. It’s not that serious.”

His excuse sounded hollow to his own ears.

Being with Mark was easy. They’re both very busy with classes so their main channel of conversation remains kakaotalk. Even when Donghyuck does take several days to respond sometimes Mark didn’t berate him for it, seemingly glad that Donghyuck keeps their talk running in the first place. It was usually him who dictated the dynamics of their conversations. Mark may have started them by asking about his day, but Donghyuck was the one who would manage to make him go on about other topics for two more hours.

When they did meet up it was usually to grab lunch together, using the chance to ignore their academic responsibilities. This was what Donghyuck is good at, what came easy to him. Meaningless, trivial conversation. Making others laugh, making them relax around him. So, it came as no big surprise to him when Mark asked him if they wanted to make their relationship official after a few of those ‘dates’.

“Do you believe in ghosts?” Donghyuck thoughtfully tapped his pen against his cheek.

“What?”

“It’s a question here!” he moved the pen tapping to the sheet of paper in front of him to emphasize his point.

“I still think this is ridiculous.”

“Humor me? Please?” He pouted in the way he knew would make the other relent.

The C-list celebrity on the cover of the magazine had been judgingly glaring at him behind her big sunglasses. What did _she_ think to know about their compatibility? In a rare fit of petulance, Donghyuck couldn’t stop himself from throwing that stupid gossip paper in his shopping cart.

“I’m the same as everyone else,” Mark shrugged, “I want to believe that there’s more to life than death. I believe in souls. And in the end, does it really matter what is or is not? To believe is braver than to know in a way, isn’t it?”

“Well, I don’t believe in anything,” Donghyuck frowned, “Since I’ve never encountered anything that I couldn’t rationally explain with my mind. Isn’t it braver to accept that there’s nothing more after death, in spite of the uncertainties it confronts you with?”

“I’m not gonna tell you what to believe,” Mark laughed, “but in the end, you’ve also chosen something to _believe_ in. You want to believe that there is nothing and I want to believe that there is something, neither of us can prove anything.”

“But what evidence could you possibly come up with? You cannot come up with irrefutable evidence of existence after death, but I can always stick to the fact that once the body dies, there’s nothing physically left of us. I mean, in the end, our entire lives could really just be one big dream or some elaborate scheme; like a brain in a jar sort of thing.”

“But when you get to that level of skepticism… you can’t live like that.”

“I know,” Donghyuck sighed, “I give myself a headache when I think about this stuff. What is the purpose of life if everything is meaningless?”

“I don’t think life has to have a purpose. It’s the people around you, the things that make you happy - that make life worth living. Who cares if everything is a simulation? We still have music and love.” Mark’s ears began to turn slightly red while he was speaking.

“Okay, Shakespeare.” Donghyuck huffed, but a fond smile played on his lips. “I think the result of this test will be that we’re completely incompatible.”

“I told you it was ridiculous!”

The problem with Mark was that there _was_ no problem _._ He didn’t become unnecessarily cruel during arguments, didn’t show up at least an hour late if at all, didn’t make jokes at his expense when they were with his friends. It was almost frustrating how simply _good_ he was, kind and understanding to a degree that constantly made Donghyuck’s stomach churn with guilt.

It was almost comical, how different they were when it came to their relationship. While Mark was so honest with his feelings, so transparent with how much he liked Donghyuck, the other had a hard time keeping up. It felt almost suffocating sometimes to wake up to a myriad of texts in the morning, most of them being things that had reminded Mark of him. It was like he was breaking his own heart for no goddamn reason, and Mark’s as well as an added bonus.

But. It was not like all this affection; all this care didn’t have an impact on Donghyuck. It would be a lie to say that it did not warm his heart the slightest bit when he looked at the evidence of Mark’s love for him.

“Hurry up, Donghyuck!” Mark called, turning back to him.

“I’m on my way!” he responded, huffing, and still dragging his feet.

He didn’t understand what the big fuss was even about. Why did he have to get up so early in the morning and walk through such cold weather only to see some stupid Christmas lights in the city?

If this was supposed to put him into a holiday spirit, it wasn’t working out. If anything, the melting-snow-turned-to-slush desperately clinging to his boots had the opposite effects.

But Mark wanted to see them, so here he was.

“I’m cold and my legs hurt,” he complained to the backside of Mark’s head, uncaring of how much he sounded like a little child.

“I told you to dress warmer,” Mark grumbled, “Besides, we’re almost there.”

“Still-“, He didn’t get to continue his complaint since, at that moment, his shoe got stuck in the ground and send him stumbling forward.

Internally, he was already preparing for hurtful body contact with the asphalt and slush smearing all over his freezing body. It was therefore a great surprise when he opened his eyes and found himself lying on a warm body instead.

“Are you okay, Hyuckie?” Mark asked immediately, hands resting on Donghyuck’s waist.

“You have the time to be concerned about me when I just knocked you over?!” he exclaimed, surprisingly angry at Mark’s lack of care for his own well-being.

“I tried to catch you,” Mark admitted sheepishly, scratching his head,” It didn’t work out all that well… but you’re not hurt, right?”

Donghyuck wanted to scream a little. This stupidly nice, almost offensively kind man! How could he possibly be the priority in this situation? And why did it make him feel so idiotically giddy to be treated like some Kdrama heroine?

Donghyuck didn’t deserve Mark, that much was obvious to anyone. He felt nearly nauseous with guilt when he thought about how he had been basically stringing him along the whole time, how he had tried to convince both of them that he was capable of a loving relationship. He wasn’t. Hell, he hadn’t even kissed Mark yet! Too afraid of the consequences it might have for his foolish heart.

It was possibly the worst time and setting to be discussing his relationship insecurities.

„I think, “Donghyuck said quietly. “I want to break up with him.”

A frown took over Johnny’s face. “But why? You’ve been so happy with him?”

And wasn’t this the crux of his problem. 

“I’m a bad person, hyung.” He said, biting his lip. “And I can’t do this anymore.”

With that, he threw back the glass of cola rum in his hand, put it down next to the sink with a resounding _clack,_ and made to leave the kitchen.

“Hyuck, wait! What are you gonna- “

As soon as he opened the door to the living room he felt the music blasting over Johnny’s speakers bounce off the walls, the deep bass interrupted by giggling and screaming from different groups perched together on the seating arrangements Yuta and Doyoung had carried into the room hours ago.

Usually, he loved to let loose on Thursday nights with his friends – whether they had casual get-togethers like this or were doing shots in the back of a cab on the way to a club while Mark was giggling into his ear. Right, Mark. His boyfriend. Who he had to talk to.

“Donghyuck-ah!” Jungwoo called out, giggling. “You came! How come I haven’t seen you all evening?”

“I was cooped up in the kitchen,” he replied, awkwardly gesturing at the direction he had come from.

“Ah, of course,” Jungwoo nodded quickly, still beaming at him, “will you join my team? Taeil hyung and Yuta hyung have this bet going on and I really, really want Yuta hyung to lose. Pretty please?”

“Uhm... what are you playing?”

Maybe Jungwoo didn’t hear him or, more likely, he took his non-refusal as agreement. Instead of answering, he just pulled Donghyuck along towards the stair, repeating again how they had to make sure that Yuta lost.

“I actually need to find Mark hyung-“ Donghyuck tried again.

“He left a few minutes ago,” Jungwoo replied easily, unknowing that he had just dumped a bucket of cold water onto Donghyuck.

Against better knowledge, a knot formed in his throat, making it hard to swallow. Maybe there had been an important emergency, maybe he had gotten sick. Or maybe Mark simply was an adult who didn’t need to tell Donghyuck everything he was doing. But his idiotic heart never listened to reason.

“I see,” he echoed, wishing he had drunk more, the pleasant buzz long gone by now.

“If he was here, he would totally be on Yuta hyung’s side, and then I wouldn’t have been able to recruit you for my team,” Jungwoo whined, leaning his head on Donghyuck’s shoulder. It was slightly awkward because they weren’t _friends_ , barely even interacted so far, and Donghyuck wasn’t drunk enough to cuddle with his boyfriend-for-not-much-longer’s friend. Also, they were still standing in the doorframe, effectively blocking the way upstairs for anyone else.

“So why did you drag me up here, hyung?” Donghyuck grumbled.

Jungwoo perked up, “Right, right! Come, the others should have assembled a table by now.” With that, he pulled Donghyuck towards the door at the back of the corridor. As they passed the rooms he knew to belong to Taeyong and Doyoung, he could make out a group of people assembled around a table, words from their conversation drifting through the opened door. 

“Are you for real?” he exclaimed, once he was close enough to recognize what was before his eyes, “you dragged me all the way up here to play _beer pong?”_

“Yes, c’mon, Mark said you’re good at games! You can’t let me down now,” pleading he turned towards Donghyuck.

He was good at playing games, he supposed. _And at playing people,_ a bitter voice in his head added.

He was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol not long after – probably more due to the questionable vodka mix Yuta had produced than the little beer he had consumed while playing.

The six people assembled in the room had long turned away from the table they had played at – Jungwoo intensely typing on Yuta’s phone since their team had won, while Yuta kept trying to take it from him and animate Taeyong to help him in his quest, who in turn was currently trying to prove to Doyoung that he was in fact _not_ a lightweight.

“Not celebrating our win?” Taeil asked smiling, sitting down next to Donghyuck.

“Just thinking.”

“Well that gives you an advantage over the rest here,” Taeil said, nodding towards Jungwoo dodging Yuta.

Donghyuck snorted. “And what about you, Hyung? I think you’re probably the soberest out of us all.”

“Well I would hope so,” Taeil laughed, “I have an 8 am class tomorrow.”

Donghyuck scrunched up his face as if he was physically hurt.

“I know, I know. But I’d _love_ to see you make smart decisions as an master student."

“But Hyung you know that I never make smart decisions,” Donghyuck replied sweetly.

“Right, that’s what you have Mark for. Where did you leave him?”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “You better get used to seeing me without him.”

“Did you break up?” Wide-eyed Taeil stared at him.

“Not yet.” Donghyuck clicked his tongue, “You know how it is with me.”

“I thought this was different,” Taeil replied quietly.

“Well, you thought wrong.” Bristling, Donghyuck got up, suddenly not at all pleased with the direction their conversation had taken. “I’m going to call Jaehyun hyung to pick me up, I think the party is over.”

Donghyuck slammed the door hard enough to indicate his annoyance about having had to wait in the rain but soft enough to not give anything else away.

Jaehyun adjusted the side window while Donghyuck buckled his seatbelt. A quiet, string instrument heavy piece was playing over the car’s radio.

“Thank you for picking me up.” He mumbled out.

“I promised to, didn’t it?” Jaehyun smiled.

“Everyone promises things, but not everyone keeps their promises.”

“Is there something you want to talk about?” Jaehyun asked softly.

Donghyuck leaned his head against the window, watching the raindrops slide down.

“I know that relationships are hard for you.” Jaehyun started in the face of his continuous silence, “But you deserve to be happy, Hyuckie. And you don’t have to be in a relationship to achieve happiness, but.” Jaehyun took one hand from the wheel, “But we all can see that he’s good for you.”

It wasn’t until Jaehyun slid a pack of tissues over to him, that Donghyuck realized he had started crying.

“Hyung.” He choked out.

“I know,” Jaehyun replied reassuringly, “I know, Donghyuckie. It will be okay. You will be fine.”

“I’m such a terrible person,” he sobbed out, clutching his head in his hands, “you were right from the start.”

“I wasn’t.” Jaehyun denied, “It’s different with him, isn’t it?”

“I wish it wasn’t.”

“You love him.”

“I’m so afraid.” It wasn’t an admission, but it wasn’t denial either.

“Love _is_ scary,” Jaehyun hummed thoughtfully, “but that’s sort of the price we pay.”

“But it’s not what _I_ do!” Donghyuck lifted his head, hair askew and eyes frantically searching Jaehyun’s in the rearview mirror, “I can’t be vulnerable like that.”

“But you already are.”

“No, I’m- I’m _fun._ Not some emotionally attached idiot.”

“Perhaps, until now. Until the right person came along to shake you out of it, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know how to do it,” Donghyuck admitted quietly, “I’ve never felt love like this. I was only simulating.”

“You need to talk to him about this.”

“Then you will remain right after all,” Donghyuck laughed humorlessly, “I will really break his heart.”

He went to bed almost straight away when they got home as if he could just pretend it was all some bad dream he could sleep off. Jaehyun had sent him some more concerned glances on the drive but hadn’t struck up another conversation. Donghyuck was incredibly grateful for their thick walls. It was mortifying enough that Jaehyun had seen him cry earlier, there was no way he could ever live down crying himself to sleep.

He woke up with a headache so terrible it could only be a result of the tragic combination of alcohol and tears. Groaning, he hid further in his bedsheets. There was no need to acknowledge reality any time soon. In fact, he would stay right here in this cocoon for the rest of his life-

“Donghyuck-ah?” A calm voice that sounded suspiciously like Johnny asked.

Maybe if he just pretended to be asleep, he would be left alone.

“I know that you’re awake,” Well, that put an end to that plan then. “I got you some aspirin and I made hot chocolate.”

Cautiously, Donghyuck inhaled. It did indeed smell like sweet chocolate in the air. Damn his flatmates who knew him way too well.

“Okay,” he deigned to reply, voice much croakier than anticipated. Slowly, he pulled his blanket off his head to face his hyung, who was sitting on his bed with a mug in his hands.

“Jaehyun told me what you said to him yesterday, I hope that was okay.”

“Great,” Donghyuck mumbled into his drink, “now both my wannabe parents will scold me.”

The frown on Johnny’s face softened out. “We only want to help you, Hyuckie. It’s hard not to worry about you.”

“You really don’t need to. I had a few drinks too many and got a little too emotional. It’s not a big deal,” he shrugged weakly.

“First love isn’t a big deal anymore?” Johnny arched an eyebrow.

“It’s not- I’m not some helpless teenager who can’t talk to his crush.”

“Of course not,” Johnny caught his free hand with his own, “but this is your first real relationship. The first time you actually opened up your heart and let someone else in. It’s normal to be a little overwhelmed.”

“I absolutely hate it,” he pressed out, “I’ve done everything to not end up so dependent on another person, and yet here I am, whole mood depending on if he pays attention to me or not,” he chuckled humorlessly, “I don’t want to be like this, hyung.”

“But if you had to choose, you would pick this feeling over the thought of never seeing him again any day,” Johnny said quietly.

“Yes,” Donghyuck replied automatically without thinking about it.

“Then it is worth trying, don’t you think? You have to try placing your trust in Mark and hope he doesn’t break it.”

“I hate that you’re right,” Donghyuck whispered, “because if I trust him with this, I am certain I will lose him.”

“You will lose him if you keep going like this. And you will poison your own love along with it. The guilt will become too much,” Johnny stated firmly.

“… I did get scolded after all.”

When he checked his phone later, he was met with the realization that he did not have much of a choice anymore. _We need to talk,_ read the daunting text Mark had sent him hours ago. Seemed like it was all coming to an end at last. It only remained to be seen whose heart would be broken this time. Donghyuck had a terrible feeling it would be his own.

They agreed to meet at one of the cafés they frequented for their study dates. Donghyuck arrived way too early, anxiety keeping him unable to stay still and wait in his room for the time to pass. He already sat at one of their favorite tables – with a fantastic view of the lake and people outside – and was fiddling with his napkin, when Mark arrived.

He only greeted Donghyuck with a short nod as he sat down, immediately calling for the waitress and ordering their usual picks. The dread Donghyuck had been feeling the entire morning only intensified.

“What did you want to talk about?” he finally found the courage to ask after the waitress had put down their drinks and left them in uncomfortable silence.

“I,” Mark swallowed as if he had to prepare himself for what he was about to say, “I think we should break up.”

“Break up,” Donghyuck echoed dumbly.

“I know it’s kinda shitty to do this in public, but I thought since it’s in mutual agreement it would be- “

“Mutual agreement?” he repeated incredulously.

“I heard you in the kitchen yesterday,” Mark admitted quietly, “So, I spent all of last night thinking about us-“

“All of last night,” Great, Donghyuck, if you keep going like this you may pass as a parrot soon! Parrots didn’t have to worry about love or heartbreak, right?

“You spent all of last night thinking about how to break up with me,” he sounded a little hysterical to his own ears, “while I was coming to terms with the fact that I’m head over heels in love with you.”

“You’re in love with me?” Mark’s eyes widened in surprise.

Ouch. He deserved that he supposed.

“I was so worried about telling you that I only started dating you because you _asked_ and payed attention to me, that I only started liking you with time,” he smiled joylessly,” It seems so stupid now. Maybe if I had actually told you, you would have realized I may be a bad person but not _that_ cold-hearted,” he chuckled without humor.

“Donghyuck, I don’t think that…” he shook his head,” I thought us breaking up was what you wanted.”

“No,” he kept his eyes on the tea in front of him, “I was so afraid of developing feelings of my own and deeply hurting you, that I thought it would be better to cut it off before it developed further. But, as it turns out I was much too late and my attempt was futile, I’ve already fallen for you. I’m sorry.”

He made to stand up, but a hand on his arm stopped him.

“Don’t be sorry,” Mark rushed out, “This was the best thing you could’ve possibly told me this morning.”

“I didn’t take you to be this cruel,” Donghyuck hissed between his teeth, “Though I suppose I have no right to judge you, after taking advantage of your love like that. This is your victory, Lee, congrats: You’ve successfully broken my heart.”

He shook off Mark’s hand, not daring to look at his triumphant face and practically ran outside. He knew he had an important time advantage since Mark still had to pay, but somehow he could not bring himself to make the most of it. He made it till the park until hurried footsteps caught up with him. Naturally, he quickened his own pace. He had endured enough humiliation already.

“Donghyuck please wait!”

He was glad that at least no one was there to bear witness to the traitorous tears he stupidly kept blinking away.

“Donghyuck, can you please listen to me?”

“I think you’ve said enough!”

“Please just stop walking and hear me out!” Why did he have to sound so ridiculously desperate? Did he really have to make it so hard for Donghyuck?

Against his better judgment, he came to a halt and turned around.

“Donghyuck,” a foolishly large smile was gracing Mark’s face, “I’m in love with you too. I don’t want to break up with you.”

“What?”

“I said I’m in love with you too, I don’t want to break up with you!”

“No, I heard you!” Donghyuck replied, frowning, “I just don’t understand what you’re saying!”

“I only told you that because I thought that was what _you_ wanted,” he explained quickly, “I just wanted to make it easier for you.”

“That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard,” Donghyuck exclaimed angrily and grabbed Mark by his collar to swiftly pull his lips against his own.

After a short moment of surprise, Mark eagerly responded with equal force and pushed Donghyuck up against the tree behind him. Hands carefully holding Donghyuck’s face, he kissed him so insistently as if he wanted Donghyuck’s legs to give out underneath him or something.

Since they, unfortunately, threatened to do just that, Donghyuck pulled away. “You’re not mad?” he asked once he was finally able to breathe again.

“Mad?” Mark blinked as if he couldn’t quite remember what their argument had even been about, “Because you didn’t love me as soon as we started dating? Of course not, Donghyuck. That would be a ridiculous thing to expect of someone, you didn’t even know me.”

“Still. I said I had a crush on you too when I didn’t yet,” Donghyuck insisted.

“I don’t think you understand how much I like you if you think that is a deal-breaker.” He shook his head, “I don’t care _why_ you gave me a chance, only that you did and that you wanted to tell me the truth. Donghyuck, you said you’re in love with me.” He smiled as if he couldn’t really believe it still, “What more could I want?”

“Huh,” Donghyuck blinked, a smile slowly forming on his own lips, “maybe communication _is_ the key to everything after all.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is. a mess and i'm not even going to pretend this isn't me heavily projecting when that's literally the word document title lmao 
> 
> anyways!! I'm forcing myself to get out of my writing/posting slump so I'm sharing it.


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